Let me ask you: how often do you feel the need to excel at everything you do? It is a common experience to be taught to aim for perfection in every area – work, home, relationships – you name it, and over time the pressure feels overwhelming, especially for women.
The reality is that perfectionism, while often seen as a strength, can actually become exhausting and make it challenging to feel genuinely fulfilled and content with life.
So let's take a look at what perfectionism really is, how it affects your mental health, and why it’s so prevalent. I’ll also share how adopting an intentional approach to life has helped me, and many of my clients, ease their need to be perfect and find a more grounded way to thrive.
What is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism is the desire to appear flawless, productive, and always “on.” While it might motivate you to reach for your best, it’s usually paired with a deep fear of failure and lacking acceptance of self. That fear and lack can drive you into overachievement, self-criticism, and eventually, burnout. All because as a perfectionist you set unrealistically high standards that lead you to feelings of inadequacy and stress, driven by a state of constant comparison and need to be better.
Perfectionism Is Also Avoiding
Perfectionism can also show up as avoidance, where you “underdo” by holding back or procrastinating. The conscious or more often at times unconscious need to be perfect, can make it hard to start or even approach a task at all.
So, whether you’re pushing yourself too hard or avoiding things altogether, perfectionism can keep you stuck in a cycle of high expectations, fear of failure and wanting to please those around you. And around it goes, trapped in a wheel focused on everything but yourself.
Why so many women struggle with perfectionism
What sets the stage for perfectionism is the societal pressures and cultural expectations that equate worth with achievement. Many women are conditioned to believe that they need to balance multiple roles seamlessly and meet personal goals without flaw. And blaming themselves if they aren't on par with their unrealistically high standards of themselves.
Then there is the additional whammy of social media. That only amplifies the unreasonable standards by presenting an idealised view of 'having it all together.' It is no wonder that over time it becomes easy to internalise the belief that being anything less than perfect isn’t enough. The trigger for the blaming cycle is only a few clicks and swipes away, and always readily available to you.
You are not alone in this experience. Recently, tennis star Coco Gauff spoke out about the impact perfectionism has had on her while trying to balance high expectations with self-acceptance and resilience. The truth is this is hard on everyone.
The Impact of Perfectionism on Mental Health
Being in this constant chase to be perfect is no joke and can really affect your mental health. It often shows up as chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. Your commitment to being perfect keeps you from feeling balanced, grounded, and connected to what truly matters to you.
Balance is bullshit, is not true. But what is bullshit, is your need to keep up with the unrealistic expectations and high demands you place upon yourself. Adhering to the external pressure you feel is destined to backfire and leave you feeling drained and disconnected.
Perfectionism is relentless and it leaves little room for rest or self-compassion.
Why Intentional Living is the Answer
This is where intentional living comes in. Instead of living in a state of constant striving — just moving from seeking one approval to the next — an intentional approach encourages you to pause and connect to yourself, your values and your needs. Because when you stop seeking validation from something outside of you, you learn to receive it from yourself.
For me, intentional living is grounded in four practices: Pause, Notice, Allow, and Adjust. These simple steps have been a game-changer in helping me slow down, reconnect, and life from a grounded place within myself where I set the standard based on my own beliefs.
These steps are easy to integrate into any lifestyle, but requires one additional simple but tough ingredient - an honest relationship to yourself.
How to Practice Intentional Living to Ease Perfectionism
If you’re ready to give intentional living a try, here’s a guide to easing your perfectionist tendencies:
Pause: First, give yourself permission to stop. When you feel the urge to rush or be perfect, take a few deep breaths. Notice the present moment—whether you’re in the shower, on your commute, or just taking a quick break.
Notice: Tune into what’s happening within you. Ask yourself, “Why am I rushing?” or “What am I striving for?” Tuning in helps you understand your triggers and gently reminds you that you don’t have to chase every goal to be valued.
Allow: Accept where you are without judgment. Notice your need for rest, peace, or even the discomfort that arises when things aren’t “perfect.” This opens up a compassionate space for you to recognize your true needs.
Adjust: Intentional living requires honest self-inquiry, ask yourself: What can I let go of right now? How can I make this easier on myself? Where can I show myself a little more compassion? Do I really need this? And the willingness to adjust to your honest answers. Over time, these small adjustments make a big difference.
Embracing Compassion Over Perfection
As you practice pausing, noticing, allowing, and adjusting, compassion will be your best friend. At first, practicing compassion over perfection can feel almost scary and maybe even unnatural, like you don't deserve it. Remember your context - living in a world that's obsessed with productivity, so slowing down and making choices for yourself can seem like you’re being silly. But over time, it becomes a powerful form of self-care and a beautiful way to live more freely and authentically.