Being a child of divorce Christmas has always been a hard time of year, split between families, wanting to make everyone happy, rarely feeling like I was succeeding. After my dad passed I thought maybe it would become easier, but in some ways it's become harder. I want to be happy, but I also deeply long for what was.
Feeling pulled in all directions is not something that stopped, even though my one parent is gone. The overwhelm and emotions that at times seem to fly out of nowhere can be draining and make me want to hide or yell. Navigating this time of year is a learning process that requires patience and compassion to make space for the complexity of emotions that comes with grief.
Grief is…
Grief is our natural response to a loss. It is both a deeply personal and a shared experience that we all go through at some point in our lives. It’s not a single emotion but a collection of feelings that ebb and flow. Most commonly grief is described through the five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
The Nonlinear Nature of Grief
The thing about grief is that it isn't something you go through and get over. Instead, it stays with you and it shows up in different ways at different times. Grief can feel like a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and that loops around when you least expect it.
Don’t relate to the “five stages of grief” as a neat checklist. You move between denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - or maybe feel them all at once. This fluidity can feel overwhelming and that it’s entirely normal. Yet, recognising how they can show up might help you understand yourself and your experience better.
The Five Stages of Grief During the Holidays
1. Denial: Pretending Everything Is Fine
Denial may appear as an attempt to maintain normalcy despite the pain. You may find yourself keeping busy with holiday plans, trying to avoid the reality of your loss. You might over-engage in festive preparations or avoid conversations about your loved one. This often stems from the desire to protect yourself from the reality of your loss.
Coping with denial
It’s important to honour your feelings, even if it’s just a small acknowledgment that things aren’t the same. Allow yourself small, quiet moments. It's okay not to feel "festive" or to struggle with traditions that no longer feel right. Gentle conversations with close friends, family or a therapist can provide a safe space to acknowledge your grief.
2. Anger: Frustration at the Holidays and Those Around You
The contrast between the grief you feel and the world around you celebrating can trigger feelings of anger. You might become frustrated over minor holiday annoyances, resent others’ happiness, or even harbor anger at your lost loved one for no longer being present.
Coping with anger
Channel this anger into healthy outlets like physical activity, creative expression, or journaling. It's essential to recognize and release anger without judgment.
3. Bargaining: Clinging Onto What Was
Bargaining often emerges as “what if…” thoughts: “If only they were here, then things would feel normal.” This can add to your inner turmoil because you try to change the unchangeable, hoping that somehow the grief will lessen.
Coping with bargaining
Ground yourself in the present by practicing mindfulness. Accept that you cannot change the past and find comfort in the small moments of gratitude. Writing down your “what-ifs” can be a helpful way to process your thoughts, while reminding yourself that it's okay to feel conflicted.
4. Depression: The Weight of Sadness
During the holidays, the contrast between your grief and the festive cheer can amplify feelings of sadness. You may feel disconnected, isolated, or overwhelmed by the pressure to participate in celebrations when you’re feeling numb.
Coping with depression
Allow yourself space to be sad and care for yourself by doing small acts that nurture you. Whether it’s spending time alone, connecting with others who understand, or a quiet walk, a warm bath, reading or listening to music. If the weight of sadness becomes too overwhelming, it’s okay to ask for help.
5. Acceptance: Embracing the New Normal
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’ve moved on or forgotten your loved one. Rather, it’s acknowledging that the holidays will never be the same, and that’s okay. You might create new traditions that honor the memory of your loved one while adjusting to life without them.
Creating acceptance
Making your own rituals that make space for your grief, such as lighting a candle in memory, sharing stories, or setting a place at the table in their honour. Finding new ways to celebrate, even if they look different from the past, can help you feel more grounded.
And remember, that both joy and sadness can coexist.
At TherapyWithMaren you can receive compassionate support if you’re finding it though, reach out and get help with this challenging time.