Are you feeling stretched thin? Constantly saying “yes” to everyone and everything, barely catching a moment to breathe. Maybe noticing yourself snapping at your loved ones and struggling to enjoy things you once loved? And there’s the blaming voice in your head whispering, “You should be able to handle this. Everyone else does.”
As a psychologist I see how normal it is for women to consistently prioritize others over their own needs. Sacrificing themselves because they “should be able to handle it”. But the thing is, constantly putting others first at the expense of yourself isn’t sustainable and definitely does not lead to a happier life.
The Conditioning Behind Selflessness
If you deconstruct "the good girl" you might find that too often she is just an overachiever at self-neglect. She is striving to prove her worth to the world (but mostly herself) by doing enough for everyone else to receive the approval she is seeking. When sadly, seeking approval from anywhere but yourself is to trap yourself in a wheel of comparison and self blame for now being good enough.
Developing an independent and expressive self is something that is easily squashed out in childhood, and is why I think we today see so many women struggling to love and appreciate themselves.
If you grew up as the rebellious one - you might be left ashamed of your own needs, while as the obedient child you might not be able to connect to what your own needs are. Either makes you afraid to acknowledge your own needs, because you would rather not create any conflict or be judged for choosing yourself. And it's not without reason.
Why Prioritizing Yourself Is Crucial
Society praises the “selfless woman” who juggles everyone’s needs seamlessly, yet rarely celebrates the woman who unapologetically puts herself first. Just like the child who is “so grown for their age” is the one who is celebrated over the ones who are “a bit much”. These interactions and learned expectations are what traps us in the shame of being seen as selfish.
The thing is that without self-love - when you rarely or never choose yourself, your risk of burnout, of a life in resentment, and even a wide variety of health issues is what shows up instead. Studies show that chronic stress, often a result of overextending yourself, can lead to physical and mental health problems.
Let’s reframe the idea of self-love
Self-love can seem out of reach to some, a fad term that just gets thrown around. But that is why I think it's worth it for you to consider what self-love is like to YOU. Self-love can, and should look different for everyone.
I would describe it like this…
It’s not about ignoring others’ needs; it’s about balancing theirs with your own.
It’s not about being selfish; it’s about authenticity.
It’s not about indulgence; it’s about sustainability.
It’s not about being perfect; it’s about showing up.
It’s not about having the answers; it’s about being able to listen.
…It is the acceptance and compassion of self just as you are. It’s about staying true to yourself and appreciating your own worth. It's about living your life according to your own standards and expectations.
Now it’s your turn to write your list - what is self-love to you?
What Self-Love Can Look Like In Practice
Start With One Small Present Moment:Begin by identifying the small moments of presence you can give yourself every day. Maybe it’s a 5-minute coffee break without distractions, cooking a meal without rushing, putting your phone away when you eat - any moment where you solely focus on tuning into yourself and the moment you are in. By creating one mindful and present ritual that binds you to the moment your stress levels will lower and your ability to feel content and present will grow.
Learn when it is that you are actually meant to feel guilty When you decline something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying “yes” to your well-being. These are not moments where guilt is needed. Becoming comfortable with possibly disappointing others is okay. Communicating your needs doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you a healthier one.
Practice being your own best loverBe your own perfect partner - I promise no one can do it as well as you can. Comfort yourself, celebrate yourself, nourish yourself as if you were the person that you loved and cherished the most in the world. Start by asking yourself the question; how do I truly want to take care of myself? And what does the first small step look like?
Set your own standards and expectations of yourselfInstead of measuring your worth by how much you do for others, focus on how aligned you feel with your values and your expectations of yourself. Ask yourself: Am I showing up for myself as much as I am for others? Am I meeting my own standards for how I want to be treated?
Can you Shift your Perspective?
The next time you hesitate to prioritise yourself, remember that self-love isn’t about being selfish - it’s about being taking care of yourself. When you’re rested, healthy, and fulfilled, you’re better equipped to show up as the best version of yourself to those around you.
Commit to self-love. Not because it’s trendy or indulgent, but because you deserve it.
If you’re ready to explore what self-love could look like for you, start small. Give yourself permission to recognize your needs, set boundaries, and let go of guilt. And remember, you’re not alone on this journey - I’m here to support you.